[ Snippy, because he can acknowledge that he's not at fault while still being furious, and he has to stay furious so that he's not crying on the phone. He will, later, but with Embry? God help him. ]
You know I live there, don't you? You should have called me. What if I'd just walked back in, with no warning?
[ It's Danny's crime, and he blames Danny for it. If he really wants to blame Embry for creating the situation, he also has to blame all of Danny's enablers and defenders, Eddie for attacking him which Hawk blamed Danny for, Aemond for letting Tim stay after they fought about killing Danny, himself for not being there to deter him - the web's spread out too far. None of them are blameless. ]
Yes, actually. Everything since you died has revolved around you, and you screw around with him without considering me at all until you need someone to humiliate. It would have helped, if you proved me wrong.
[ not that that makes it better. not that that makes embry any less selfish, because when he did find out that hawk was in an entire relationship, it hadn't made embry stop. he was too far in, too attached without wanting to admit it, and he can't even admit it now, with hawk in his grave and his real lover's voice in his ear. ]
I don't know why you would've waited on that. I was never going to prove you wrong, because that would require me to be less of a shitty person, and a shitty person wouldn't have been fucking your boyfriend for as long as I did.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's better coming from someone who actually cares about the both of you.
[ He stops, swallows, cuts himself off before he tells a lie. ]
I'm not mad you were with him. I am mad that I didn't find out until I was elbow-deep scrubbing your blood out of the floorboards, like you haven't insulted me enough.
[ Tim has no right to be angry with Hawk for messing around. He's seen other people too, is currently seeing other people. The difference is that Hawk knows what he's up to. It's no business of Embry's, but if he's gonna insist that he's an irredeemable asshole, he may as well hate himself for the right reasons. ]
That's an excuse. It was cowardly, is what it was.
You could've left the blood there, as a little souvenir.
[ then there's silence, because — it was insulting, and he is a coward. he isn't so much of a piece of reprehensible shit to think that anything he feels for hawk matters in this moment. he can hear his aunt nimue now. this is your dishwater, now you have to soak in it. he'd put his mad, wrenching want above someone else who mattered far more, and he has to live with the stain of his choices. ]
If it happens like me, which I think it will, you have to be there for him at his grave. If Ash hadn't come — I don't know what I would've done. I might've just tried to bury myself all over again. I felt... I felt really angry, and Ash is strong enough to hold me down any day. Hawk would never hurt you willingly, but if you feel like he's not himself, it's not his fault. And you feel like you're not safe, you need to call someone.
[ Hawk was hurting, Ash was hurting, the chapel had been defiled. It was the right thing to do, even if it still stings his nose, a dozen deaths later. ]
I took care of him after the wolf man, and I'll do it again. What else can you tell me?
[ By which he means, tell me everything. He needs to be prepared. ]
[ this is entirely too revealing, leaf him alone. ]
It feels hard to breathe sometimes. Like my throat's still split wide open. I don't know if he'll feel that, too. And — the way his body was... Danny had to have drugged him, too, because he wouldn't have — Hawk wouldn't have fucked him by choice. Not after what happened. That's... just another thing, on top of everything else.
I feel different, Tim. I don't know how to describe it. I feel worse. I feel like shit. I feel like wrecking every good thing I have, which is — fine, because what I had with Hawk was shitty, anyway. He might come back feeling different, too. I don't know.
[ Hawk and Danny...drugged or otherwise, he can't think about it too hard right now. He needs to be prepared, needs to find a way to camp out in the graveyard foe as long as it takes, needs to find a new suite for the two of them so he doesn't have to take Hawk back to his own murder scene. Too much to do to cry or scream or get himself killed confronting Danny. ]
You feel like shit physically, emotionally? Both? Why wouldn't I feel safe, were you violent?
[ he wants to hang up on tim. but the only reason he keeps talking is because he's wronged him so badly that he owes him at least this. ]
Like it's hard to think. Like everything everyone does is nails on a chalkboard some days. Rationally I know that nobody owed me anything, but coming back and realizing that no one stood up for Ash, no one stood up for me, feels like the worst kind of betrayal when I know I wouldn't have burned so many bridges over it before. Everything hurts more now. And if it wasn't for Ash, for the few people I still care about, I would've done exactly what Hawk did but to more than just Danny. To Jem. To Matt. To you.
I can't tell you what he's gonna be like. He could be totally normal. Or maybe he'll want to strangle some people, like I do.
[ And inventing scenarios that didn't happen, he leaves out. For the sake of civility. ]
Let's hope he got the strangling out of his system with Danny. Um, what about...Jacaerys came back and his hands are all messed up. They work but they're all black, like they're rotting, or frostbitten. Anything like that?
It happened in your precious church. Don't act like you would've trotted out to the middle of nowhere otherwise if Hawk hadn't been involved, either. You're just as self-serving as he is, just only one of you has the balls to own up to it.
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[ Snippy, because he can acknowledge that he's not at fault while still being furious, and he has to stay furious so that he's not crying on the phone. He will, later, but with Embry? God help him. ]
You know I live there, don't you? You should have called me. What if I'd just walked back in, with no warning?
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That wouldn't have happened, because I wouldn't have let you in.
What the hell was I supposed to say to you?
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Ash deserves better than all of us. Don't bring him into this.
You really wanted to hear it from me? After everything I did behind your back with Hawk?
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Yes, actually. Everything since you died has revolved around you, and you screw around with him without considering me at all until you need someone to humiliate. It would have helped, if you proved me wrong.
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[ not that that makes it better. not that that makes embry any less selfish, because when he did find out that hawk was in an entire relationship, it hadn't made embry stop. he was too far in, too attached without wanting to admit it, and he can't even admit it now, with hawk in his grave and his real lover's voice in his ear. ]
I don't know why you would've waited on that. I was never going to prove you wrong, because that would require me to be less of a shitty person, and a shitty person wouldn't have been fucking your boyfriend for as long as I did.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's better coming from someone who actually cares about the both of you.
[ like alicent. ]
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[ He stops, swallows, cuts himself off before he tells a lie. ]
I'm not mad you were with him. I am mad that I didn't find out until I was elbow-deep scrubbing your blood out of the floorboards, like you haven't insulted me enough.
[ Tim has no right to be angry with Hawk for messing around. He's seen other people too, is currently seeing other people. The difference is that Hawk knows what he's up to. It's no business of Embry's, but if he's gonna insist that he's an irredeemable asshole, he may as well hate himself for the right reasons. ]
That's an excuse. It was cowardly, is what it was.
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[ then there's silence, because — it was insulting, and he is a coward. he isn't so much of a piece of reprehensible shit to think that anything he feels for hawk matters in this moment. he can hear his aunt nimue now. this is your dishwater, now you have to soak in it. he'd put his mad, wrenching want above someone else who mattered far more, and he has to live with the stain of his choices. ]
If it happens like me, which I think it will, you have to be there for him at his grave. If Ash hadn't come — I don't know what I would've done. I might've just tried to bury myself all over again. I felt... I felt really angry, and Ash is strong enough to hold me down any day. Hawk would never hurt you willingly, but if you feel like he's not himself, it's not his fault. And you feel like you're not safe, you need to call someone.
[ not him. he's done with both of you. ]
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[ Hawk was hurting, Ash was hurting, the chapel had been defiled. It was the right thing to do, even if it still stings his nose, a dozen deaths later. ]
I took care of him after the wolf man, and I'll do it again. What else can you tell me?
[ By which he means, tell me everything. He needs to be prepared. ]
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It feels hard to breathe sometimes. Like my throat's still split wide open. I don't know if he'll feel that, too. And — the way his body was... Danny had to have drugged him, too, because he wouldn't have — Hawk wouldn't have fucked him by choice. Not after what happened. That's... just another thing, on top of everything else.
I feel different, Tim. I don't know how to describe it. I feel worse. I feel like shit. I feel like wrecking every good thing I have, which is — fine, because what I had with Hawk was shitty, anyway. He might come back feeling different, too. I don't know.
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You feel like shit physically, emotionally? Both? Why wouldn't I feel safe, were you violent?
I just want to be thorough, for Hawk's sake.
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Like it's hard to think. Like everything everyone does is nails on a chalkboard some days. Rationally I know that nobody owed me anything, but coming back and realizing that no one stood up for Ash, no one stood up for me, feels like the worst kind of betrayal when I know I wouldn't have burned so many bridges over it before. Everything hurts more now. And if it wasn't for Ash, for the few people I still care about, I would've done exactly what Hawk did but to more than just Danny. To Jem. To Matt. To you.
I can't tell you what he's gonna be like. He could be totally normal. Or maybe he'll want to strangle some people, like I do.
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[ And inventing scenarios that didn't happen, he leaves out. For the sake of civility. ]
Let's hope he got the strangling out of his system with Danny. Um, what about...Jacaerys came back and his hands are all messed up. They work but they're all black, like they're rotting, or frostbitten. Anything like that?
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My hands are fine. My dick works too, if you wanted to know.
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I haven't spent any time thinking about sex while he's in the ground, actually.
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I'm just telling you because you'll probably still have a healthy sex life with him once he comes back. That would be important to me, if I were you.
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I'd like for you not to think about our sex life, please.
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No. I'll go to bed dreaming of you two fucking.
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