[ hawk's voice sounds faraway. embry feels distant from his own body, his own thoughts, like he's losing the battle to keep his head above water, to not succumb to the demons living in his chest that spout vicious truths about him. he did fuck this up. this is on him. and ash is never going to look at him the same way again, not that he was looking at him at all anyway, and it's been over for so fucking long that embry is so fucking pathetically stupid for not being able to get the fuck over it.
there is something so monumentally wrong with him. cosmically wrong. the taste of regret is rancid on his tongue. the urge to sink to his knees, to crawl across the carpet and beg for forgiveness is so strong, so compelling, that he nearly blacks out from how hard he's fighting against himself. he sees himself doing it, only in his mind's eye when he looks up, he's not kneeling at ash's feet. it's hawk he's gazing up at, every muscle pliant and willing and ready to be broken by him.
he shakes out of his stupor like someone's just thrown a rock at his head, still sitting at the edge of his desk, still leaning slightly into hawk's solid frame, still caught in whatever magnetism exists between them when they get close. he hears hawk's words on a delayed loop, his mouth already still but his voice unspooling like a child pulling the tape out of a cassette. ]
What the fuck did you just say?
[ his heart thuds an irregular beat, wishing hawk would shut the fuck up, wishing he hadn't just said exactly what he did, because it's out now, and embry can't stop him from repeating it outside of this room short of stuffing his corpse in the closet. ash and hawk. two people that no matter how much he begs and pleads of them, he will never get what he wants. ]
Hawk. [ he's fully present in the moment now, his shock making his ice-blue eyes glitter with something close to panic. ] You can't. You can't take the fall for this. It's not — I'm not —
[ worth it. he lunges to his feet, staggering straight into hawk as he grasps his collar, giving him a hard shake as if he can reorganize his brain and change his mind. ]
Don't. [ he sounds wretched, heartbroken. tears prick the corners of his eyes for a completely different reason as his lungs swell painfully. ] Please. Don't do this for me. I'm a bad person. Everyone should just know.
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there is something so monumentally wrong with him. cosmically wrong. the taste of regret is rancid on his tongue. the urge to sink to his knees, to crawl across the carpet and beg for forgiveness is so strong, so compelling, that he nearly blacks out from how hard he's fighting against himself. he sees himself doing it, only in his mind's eye when he looks up, he's not kneeling at ash's feet. it's hawk he's gazing up at, every muscle pliant and willing and ready to be broken by him.
he shakes out of his stupor like someone's just thrown a rock at his head, still sitting at the edge of his desk, still leaning slightly into hawk's solid frame, still caught in whatever magnetism exists between them when they get close. he hears hawk's words on a delayed loop, his mouth already still but his voice unspooling like a child pulling the tape out of a cassette. ]
What the fuck did you just say?
[ his heart thuds an irregular beat, wishing hawk would shut the fuck up, wishing he hadn't just said exactly what he did, because it's out now, and embry can't stop him from repeating it outside of this room short of stuffing his corpse in the closet. ash and hawk. two people that no matter how much he begs and pleads of them, he will never get what he wants. ]
Hawk. [ he's fully present in the moment now, his shock making his ice-blue eyes glitter with something close to panic. ] You can't. You can't take the fall for this. It's not — I'm not —
[ worth it. he lunges to his feet, staggering straight into hawk as he grasps his collar, giving him a hard shake as if he can reorganize his brain and change his mind. ]
Don't. [ he sounds wretched, heartbroken. tears prick the corners of his eyes for a completely different reason as his lungs swell painfully. ] Please. Don't do this for me. I'm a bad person. Everyone should just know.